We almost had to three times before we left the driveway.
The flights and the hotel and the weather were not the reason. We all said silently to ourselves, would we be able to do it without him needing as much support as he does now, without it becoming an emergency, safely, without turning a party into an emergency? We went anyway. It was good. Also, it was not the same kind of trips that we used to go for, and I wish somebody had told me that going in, rather than working it out during the trip.
After having been in a lot of trouble the first time, here’s what really changes and what helped us go right after all the wrongs of the past.
The Planning Starts Months Earlier Than You Think
In the past we used to make plans several weeks in advance. This one took months partly because of matters that we had never considered before such as if a hotel room could accommodate a walker between the bed and the bathroom, or whether a rental car had room for a wheelchair in the back, or whether there was a pharmacy within walking distance in the destination city in case we needed to pick up a prescription.
Also, and seriously, it’s a good time to take an assessment of what kind of support you have at home, since a trip will bring up how much your parent needs routine. My own cousins in Nebraska had to go through this with my uncle and in planning the care for the trip wound up learning more about the Nebraska Medicaid Waiver program in the two years before and after the planning than in the two years prior to that. Waiver programs can help pay for respite care or in-home care, or help the family that remains at home when the primary caregiver is away. It’s good to be aware of, even if you’re not travelling for this right now.
You Will Overpack the Medical Stuff and Still Forget Something
We brought two of just about everything, including some medications, chargers, compression socks, and an extra pair of his glasses. We forgot his favorite pillow, which seems trivial until you are on a trip with someone and haven’t slept in their preferred position for 3 nights. Things happen differently when there are small disruptions to what you do normally and it isn’t so much about stubbornness. With age comes frailty in sleep, appetite and mood – and travel is disruption by definition.
What helped: a list taped inside the lid of the suitcase that we add to after each flight with what we forget the last time. It’s not glamorous. It has saved us twice thus far.
Build In More Time Than Feels Necessary
Each day is longer. Preparing to depart the hotel room is a longer process. The walk from the gate to the baggage train is longer. It takes more time to order and eat a meal. None of these things are particularly earth-shattering in themselves, but when you put in a full day of “longer” and schedule your day according to how fast you were when you were younger you rush someone that just can’t be rushed—both of you end up stressed!
We began to construct half a day rather than full days. Seeing one activity in the morning; resting in the afternoon; something simple in the evening. It seemed we were doing less. It also meant that no one was feeling the strain by 3 p.m. and that was a good thing rather than a bad.
Know What You’ll Do If Something Goes Wrong Away From Home
It’s the area we neglected to get just right the first time, but the second. Before the second trip, we looked up the closest hospital to where we were staying, wrote down his complete list of medications and allergies and put it as a note on each family member’s phone (not just filed somewhere in the system), and we made sure at least 2 of us knew his insurance information from memory, not just off the top of our heads.
This seems over-the-top until you find that you need it. Not needed on the second visit. But, of course, we were happy to have it, since there’s a relief to being without it, and a relief to having it.
Let Go of the Trip You Used to Take Together
This could be the most difficult part – not because of logistics, but because of the mind. This is not the same trip that we take with my dad anymore, we don’t go out for long hikes, or get spontaneous detours, or stay out past when it would make sense. For awhile, I tried to make the old version of the trip fit into the new version of him, and that made us each mad.
What made all the difference was the realization that it was an alternate kind of journey, it was not a less deserving one. Slower mornings. Spending more time sitting and talking as a group, rather than moving from one place to another. My dad has told me many times that he actually likes this version better, although he misses the pace that we used to keep. I believe him.
What We’d Tell Anyone Planning Their First Trip Like This
Plan ahead more than necessary. Be sure to talk with all concerned about what your parent physically can and cannot do, even if it sounds repetitive. Make time to relax each day. If you are in a situation where you’re also trying to determine the type of support your parent has at home, or once you get back—or when in a pinch—it’s best to understand what is available, and if it’s in-home care in Omaha, or wherever your family calls home.
We’re already planning the next trip. It’ll be different, likely another day will bring another change, and so on. That’s fine. We made it once, we can make it again and to be honest, some of the slower more quiet parts of that journey with my dad are what I remember best.
